I have used the term ‘it’ commonly over the last few years of my life. By ‘it’ I refer to times in my memory when everything felt right in my soul. (Looking back at journal entries from those times I was still questioning, not confident) (but I just didn’t care).

What if the magical state ‘it’ refers to is not something concrete or felt. This state where everything sits right in my soul may just be a hypothetical. My conception of it is that I can constantly feel ‘it’. Be constantly secure in my being.

What if “it” is never achieved, but instead is just the Platonic ideal.

Sure there are times we feel in flow. But when we try to say we are in flow, we cease to be. One can never say in the moment, this is ‘it’ enjoy it now! Hold onto it!

Instead of believing that I will find a time where I can confidently sit down and say this is ‘it’. Instead of longing for this time. Understand that it is just an ideal.

My soul loves these moments of flow, but they must be a byproduct.

What my soul longs for is to not be asking for more. Not to be asking out of need. My soul longs for a contentment in the present moment. An ability to be confident in here and now.

I am satisfied with here and now—knowing that there is more out there. Knowing that there are things of me which will grow and change. Knowing there is a lot I don’t know.

With all this in mind, I am still content with here and now and confident to move through the world. Not dependent on any moment other than now.

2024-10-21